HeartStrung

I struggle. It’s no secret. There is something going wrong with my body. I have no answers--only long lists of questions, fears, worries… I want nothing more than to walk my path with Grace. But sometimes it gets really arduous. Sometimes I cannot find a light. There is only darkness, a place where all Hope is gone and all that remains is Shadow. It is a place of desperation, a place where I’m not sure that I can handle feeling the way I do for one more day, let alone the rest of my life. I am not always successful at hauling myself back up from the Shadows in these moments. But when I feel the sun on my shoulders again, when I feel Grace by my side, I remember things that can potentially help me when I stumble. And I will stumble again. Here, then, is a partial list. I write it in the hopes that it will not only help me remember to walk in the Light, with Grace, but perhaps also help some of the millions of others living with chronic undiagnosed illnesses:

I've been thinking about how writing this blog is really an act of conscious vulnerability. I take the thoughts in my head and try to make them coherent and organized and then I stick them out on the internet for anyone to see. It’s like posting a snapshot of myself totally exposed. And it is terrifying. I have ended up inside my closet, curled around myself in the dark taking deep breaths and trying to bring myself down from a panic attack every time I publish one. Every Time. But I don’t want to stop because even though it is really hard to open myself up and willingly expose myself to a world of friends and acquaintances and strangers, I completely believe it is worth it because I also believe that vulnerability promotes closeness between people. And I think feeling connected and close to other people is vital to our health and well-being. We all spend so much time fearing each other, afraid of exposing the parts of ourselves that we feel are weird or

Credit to whoever created this sign. You Rock! I decided this morning that people should come with warning signs. Like, for example: Warning! I am fun to be around but the only person I really care about is myself so I will subtly manipulate you until it no longer serves me. Warning! I am willing to care about you so long as you never do anything I disagree with. If you do, I’ll make a voodoo doll of you and spend my life’s energy on sending you bad mojo. Warning! I am really kind but I will take the things you say personally and then accuse you of being heartless. It would make it so much easier to meet new people and make new friends. We could still choose to be friends with anyone. We'd just be better informed. We would be aware of the manipulators manipulations which would save us the trouble of feeling like gigantic idiots later when we realize we've been manipulated. We could be prepared for the person who is sure we are trying to offend them to