Let's All Hold Hands and Be Vulnerable

I've been thinking about how writing this blog is really an act of conscious vulnerability. I take the thoughts in my head and try to make them coherent and organized and then I stick them out on the internet for anyone to see. It’s like posting a snapshot of myself totally exposed.

And it is terrifying.

I have ended up inside my closet, curled around myself in the dark taking deep breaths and trying to bring myself down from a panic attack every time I publish one.

Every Time.

But I don’t want to stop because even though it is really hard to open myself up and willingly expose myself to a world of friends and acquaintances and strangers, I completely believe it is worth it because I also believe that vulnerability promotes closeness between people. And I think feeling connected and close to other people is vital to our health and well-being.

We all spend so much time fearing each other, afraid of exposing the parts of ourselves that we feel are weird or unlovable because we’re so afraid of being judged, rejected, ridiculed, imperfect...So we spend all this time building walls around ourselves, believing that in doing so we are protecting ourselves from the cruelty of the world.  

But I have noticed a common thread running through all of the best relationships I've been in: a mutual willingness to be vulnerable. It’s an act of faith to consciously walk into a relationship unarmed. But when we drop our defenses with someone, amazing things happen.

Just before Mr. Amazing and I started dating I had sworn off men, having just exited the most emotionally taxing and dysfunctional relationship I have ever been in. I was so tired of being hurt, emotionally abused and manipulated. My perspective on males, in general, was negatively skewed at that time.

But then Mr. Amazing came waltzing in, so beautiful, so kind, so easy to talk to. I didn't want to waste a bunch of time keeping certain parts of myself private only to discover that once those things came out I was once again rejected. So I thought: Enough with the games. I’m just going to put it all out there right now. He can take it or leave it.

And I discovered that Mr. Amazing was thinking the exact same thing. So we sat and just revealed all; every wound, every mistake, every life defining moment, everything. And the more vulnerable we made ourselves to one another, the closer we became. It quickly built a foundation of trust and companionship and comfort for us to stand on.

Every time I have built a relationship in this way it has resulted in an extraordinary experience. I’m not saying it always works out well or I'm never hurt by the people I'm vulnerable with or that the friendships last forever. But the quality of the friendship, while it exists, is incredible. We can reach that state of being that is of love, of truth, of light, and when we find that space within ourselves and within someone else we understand that there truly is no separation between us. We are one.

And I live for that feeling.

A friend once said to me, “I get the impression that you only like to have intimate relationships.” And he is absolutely right. I have never been comfortable making small talk. It is like a foreign language to me. I engage in it, just like everybody else, because just like everybody else I am terrified of being rejected and I have a hard time trusting people. But when I’m open and real with people I feel so much more connected. And I’ve noticed that people mostly respond positively to it. People feel more comfortable when you present yourself as the imperfectly perfect being that you are. People feel less afraid to be themselves in front of you.

So my hope is that every one of us begins to find the courage within ourselves to fully accept ourselves and love ourselves just the way we are and that from there we go out into the world and touch others with that same love and acceptance. I hope that we all start to make ourselves more available to one another and trust that being vulnerable will leave us feeling more connected, more understood, more accepted and most of all, more loved.

And on that note, I'll reiterate that if you are looking for me in the next hour, I'll be hiding in the closet.

~Namaste

I honor the place in you in which the entire universe dwells.

I honor the place in you which is of love, of truth, of light, and of peace.

I honor the place in you where, if you are in that place in you

and I am in that place in me, there is only One of us.

Ram Dass

P.S. I just want to say thank you to all of the people, past and present, who have revealed themselves to me, who walked into my life defenseless, who stood before me unguarded and wide-open and willing, and who, therefore, made a safe place for me to do the same. You all have impacted me in wonderful ways that I cannot even begin to describe and you have made my life so rich and blessed. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for You. And I will never forget. From the depth of my heart, I thank you.