HeartStrung

See that rainbow hiding in there? This is what a photograph of my thoughts would look like. This time of year is hard for me. The sun doesn't shine quite as brightly from behind all the clouds and the warmth doesn't reach my skin the same as it does in spring or summer. During the morning routine it is still dark inside the house and all I really want is to stay curled up in the warmth of my bed. The trees have changed from their vibrant clothing into their Halloween costumes and when the wind blows they grow ever more naked. The smell of the air changes from the fresh fragrance of full-bloom to one of damp decay. There is a chill in the air, the kind that penetrates through the skin and tries to settle into my bones. And then the light of day is gone before I've finished preparing dinner. Autumn and I don’t have the greatest relationship. Every year, I find myself turning more inward around this time, which is perhaps a little risky since I tend to be so introve

I have a confession: I manipulate my husband to benefit myself. And also because it’s fun. Before you get your panties in a twist, please understand: He knows I’m doing it. In fact, I think he actually kind of enjoys it. And, to be clear, it’s less of a manipulation and more of game. See, every once in a while I am possessed by a crazy person. Something starts to annoy me or I find there is something I want that I’m not getting. Whatever it is gets stuck in my head and I obsess. Truth be told, I have obsessive thought patterns  all the time , but it only  sometimes  has anything to do with my husband. So then I’m stuck with this thing in my head and  I have to do something about it . Because obsessive thoughts can really cloud a person’s perceptions to the point where we will only see evidence that supports our position and ignore any contrary information. And that is a trap. Sometimes I consider nagging him about whatever it is, but I  hate  badgering my husband

I am unbelievably hard on myself. I make critical judgments of myself. I take personally the critical judgments of others.  I have unrealistic expectations and chastise myself when I fail to live up to them. I also chastise myself when I fail to live up to the expectations of others. Essentially, I tend to lack compassion for myself. When I got sick in November of 2011, I initially assumed that I’d caught a virus and beat myself up for not washing my hands better since I worked in a room full of toddlers. After a week had passed and I was still ill, I beat myself up for not having kicked the virus yet and cursed my weak immune system. But then two weeks had gone by, and then three, and then four. Some days I woke up feeling perfect and rejoiced that I’d finally won the war with that stupid virus only to discover that the symptoms returned in a day or two (three or four days if I was lucky.) I was fooled by this cycle over and over.  Two months passed. I made my first doct