The Games We Play

I have a confession: I manipulate my husband to benefit myself. And also because it’s fun.

Before you get your panties in a twist, please understand: He knows I’m doing it. In fact, I think he actually kind of enjoys it. And, to be clear, it’s less of a manipulation and more of game.

See, every once in a while I am possessed by a crazy person. Something starts to annoy me or I find there is something I want that I’m not getting. Whatever it is gets stuck in my head and I obsess. Truth be told, I have obsessive thought patterns all the time, but it only sometimes has anything to do with my husband.

So then I’m stuck with this thing in my head and I have to do something about it. Because obsessive thoughts can really cloud a person’s perceptions to the point where we will only see evidence that supports our position and ignore any contrary information. And that is a trap.

Sometimes I consider nagging him about whatever it is, but I hate badgering my husband. I worry too much that I’m a habitual needler and that he already resents me because of it. That is really not a thought I enjoy having nor is it a result I am interested in seeing come to fruition so I work hard at letting that impulse pass.

I consider just getting over whatever it is and even give an effort at it. But this course of action is just so highly unlikely to happen. When I say I've got obsessive thought patterns, I’m not joking.

I usually opt to discuss whatever it is that's bothering me or ask for whatever it is that I think I need. But this has varying results. If it’s about something really important, a conversation is all it takes. But I’ll admit that most of the time it really is not very important. And when it’s about something especially trivial he will typically ignore me or roll his eyes and then I’ll just feel frustrated on top of being obsessive and that never turns out well. He will promptly forget that the conversation ever happened and I will continue to bring it up and he’ll continue to ignore me and forget and at some point I will end up feeling quite upset because he keeps failing to meet my expectations and he will have to roll his eyes at me again in a more dramatic way which will cause me to change topics on him and begin some heated discussion about how he doesn't care about the things I care about and then I will hear the words coming out of my mouth and I will have to apologize for being irrational and admit that he really isn't responsible for living up to my expectations and then I’ll feel defeated and still be lacking the results I desire.

I suppose we can all see the problem there.

One time, I felt like I was always the only one who turned off the lights. Again, I will admit this was not one of the more reasonable issues I've obsessed over. I mean, who cares, right? Apparently I did. And once the thought was in my head, I couldn't get rid of it.

I refused to nag him about it because I knew it was an insignificant detail and that I was just being a little bit irrational but I also couldn't get over it. It was driving me crazy. I tried just asking him to get the lights, but then I felt like I was constantly asking him to get the lights and he was only getting the lights when I was asking him to and not because he was thinking, “huh, I should get the lights,” on his own and that started getting on my nerves and by that point I was getting on my own nerves.

And that’s when it dawned on me:

My husband is a highly competitive person. He consistently beats me in any competition we engage in, especially when it involves strategy and/or athleticism but he isn't picky and he learns quickly. I don’t typically engage in competition with him because it’s not that fun to play when you know you will lose. But maybe…all I needed to do was turn the lighting issue into a game.

When we got up, I quickly lunged my body in front of his and reached for the light switches, turning them off with a dramatic flourish while declaring “2 Points!” in my wake.

“What are you doing? 2 points for what?” he asked.

“I got both the lights, so I got 2 points.”

“Ah,” he said, “I see. Challenge accepted.”

And the game was on. Because who wouldn't want to beat their wife in a competition for meaningless points?

I don’t always pick trivial things like who turns the lights off. One time I decided that my husband should kiss me more often. I would never nag him about that because I don’t want resentful kisses and I couldn't just get over it because, well, Kissing. Need I say more?

So I mentioned it to him: “I think you should kiss me more often.”

“I should. You’re right,” he agreed, because he’s a good husband that way.

And he kissed me right then and then we went back to whatever we were doing before and then he forgot that we ever had that conversation. So I brought it up again later on and he kissed me and we moved on and he forgot. So then, at random points throughout the day, I just straight-up started sticking my face in front of his and puckering my lips. And I got my kisses, probably mostly because he needed my face to be out of the way so that he could see what he was working on. But I still wasn't satisfied because what I really wanted was for it to be his idea. I mean, it’s great to be kissed when I ask for it, but it’s even better to be kissed when it’s his idea because then I don’t feel like he’s just trying to satisfy me.

Time to play a game.

I kissed him, smiled, and said, “Ha! I win!”

“What did you win?” he asked.

“I was the first one to kiss you. So I get the point.”

He leaned in and tried to kiss me and I leaned back and said, “Just so you know, you only get half a point for kiss-backs.”

We went through this repetition a few more times and since then I get kissed numerous times throughout the day and I don’t have to ask for them and they aren't my idea. He is happy because he usually has the most points for both kisses given and lights turned out and he can go to sleep at night comforted by his success. 

But technically, we both end up winning.