Seasonal Slump

See that rainbow hiding in there? This is what a photograph of my thoughts would look like.

This time of year is hard for me. The sun doesn't shine quite as brightly from behind all the clouds and the warmth doesn't reach my skin the same as it does in spring or summer. During the morning routine it is still dark inside the house and all I really want is to stay curled up in the warmth of my bed. The trees have changed from their vibrant clothing into their Halloween costumes and when the wind blows they grow ever more naked. The smell of the air changes from the fresh fragrance of full-bloom to one of damp decay. There is a chill in the air, the kind that penetrates through the skin and tries to settle into my bones. And then the light of day is gone before I've finished preparing dinner.

Autumn and I don’t have the greatest relationship. Every year, I find myself turning more inward around this time, which is perhaps a little risky since I tend to be so introverted anyway. My creative well dries up and I feel incapable of having an original idea which is frustrating because writing and making things are life-lines for me and I need to be creative when my mind starts getting all crazy like this, more than at any other time. I have less to say than usual which means that I’m exceptionally quiet because I don’t talk all that much in the first place and I feel less and less like leaving the house and interacting with others. And that ever present feeling of loneliness grows while I lament living so far away from my friends and family.

In autumn, loneliness settles into my bones along with the chill in the air.

I suddenly have a creeping suspicion that no one likes me so I isolate myself, even though I know that being around others is something I probably need to be doing if only to prove to myself that people do like me. It’s just that I feel so negative about myself and find that my cycle of negative self-talk is that much harder to stop. I also feel more irritable without a good reason to be and find myself snapping at Clone 1 and Clone 2 for things that I would normally respond to in a calm way. I think that is part of the reason why I get so quiet…I don’t want to be that person who complains and drags other people down into the dark hole I've found myself in. It seems better to stew by myself.

I can clearly see myself doing all these things, as if I’m watching myself from afar, and I know that it is all a bit ridiculous and that it isn't serving me well but it’s also so incredibly hard to change the pattern. Sometimes it feels completely out of my control. All the negative thoughts in my head feel so real and accurate.

I try to isolate the negativity. I imagine all the dark thoughts as little troll-faced pixies or monkeys or whatever and I imagine grabbing them by the wings or the tail and putting them in a jar and screwing the lid on tight so that I can’t hear them talking. But they carry glass cutters and carve holes in the jar and shout at me a little louder than before because trying to get rid of them has pissed them off. Sometimes I wonder if all they really want is to be heard and acknowledged so I imagine inviting them onto my lap where I try to comfort them and listen to their concerns. But their voices and words are toxic. When I listen to them, I believe them because they have well-constructed counter-arguments for every argument I pose against their negative point of view.

And it’s pretty difficult to argue with crazy.

But then I think maybe this is part of what makes me uniquely who I am. As someone in the blogosphere (I forget who) once said: I think that the most brilliant and the most creative among us are more susceptible to problems like this. It seems that whatever it is inside us manifests itself as creativity and brilliance when turned outward, and anxiety and depression when turned inward.

And that feels true for me. When my mind gets all crazy and I turn inward, toward it, I end up that much more sad and confused and anxious and stagnant. And it’s an ugly self-perpetuating cycle. But when I’m able to sit down at the computer to write or at the sewing machine to sew, all those voices in my head quiet down and I channel all that internal chaos into what I’m doing and (hopefully) end up creating something beautiful. And all the negative and the crazy melts away, if only temporarily.

So if you are sitting out there in the world suffering with monkey-mind and having a hard time keeping it together and if you are struggling to find ways to make it through the day, remember: You aren't alone. There are others who understand what it feels like. I am one of them. And even if I don’t know you, I do know that You Are Amazing, no matter what your crazy brain is trying to tell you. You Are Special. You are Irreplaceable. You are the One and Only You and I promise this world needs you in it.

And if you aren't struggling, chances are someone you know is. Send a note to that friend of yours who seems to have disappeared. Hug the one who has nothing to say. Let those people in your life know that you care and that you value what they bring into your life. It just might make all the difference.