When Life Gives You Lemons Give Yourself a Pep Talk

I have a plethora of time with which to think so I often think about who I want to be. Specifically, who I want to be with this illness.

As you might imagine, I would prefer not to have a chronic illness. I wouldn't choose this for myself. If I could get rid of it once and for all, I would, no hesitation. As it is, I actually have no control. It wasn't a choice and I have to live with life being this way for as long as it is this way. There is no amount of resolve, dedication, optimism, anger, or fear that can change my chronic illness.

I'm fairly certain that you, Dear Reader, can relate, one way or another, because I know we all go through challenges and circumstances where we have no control. Your story is different than mine but we all know what it means to suffer. We have our lack of control in common.

It is difficult to be in circumstances under which we have no control. It can be a very depressing place, full of hopelessness and unpleasant emotions. We have a tendency to stew over the event or condition where we lack control but our stewing only causes our suffering to increase and possibly even take over so that all we can really think about is the condition of our suffering.

Whenever I find myself spiraling the drain of my suffering I try to remind myself that while I may not be able to dictate how this illness goes, I absolutely do have control over my reactions to how this illness is going. I get to decide who I want to be with chronic illness.

So who do I want to be? I continually come back to the same thing: I want to be the kind of person who perseveres through what I cannot control with acceptance and grace. I want to be the kind of person who sees fertile soil inside of a pile of garbage.

I want to be what we call in my town, Sara Strong.

Sara was diagnosed with cancer around the time my illness began. I did not get to know her as well as I would have liked but any opportunity I had to talk with her was treasured. She never failed to show up with her smile and an encouraging word.

Sara suffered in unimaginable ways as the cancer grew, yet Love continued to emanate from her in every direction. She walked boldly toward every treatment. She bravely endured the cancer spreading to every organ in her body. She weathered brain surgery and continued to shine despite the side effects. Sara managed to radiate love and acceptance even after she was fitted with a DNR bracelet and had to begin the painful task of saying goodbye to her husband and children and the hundreds of people who loved her and who she undoubtedly loved back.

I am sure that in the privacy of her own home, with her closest people, she at times showed weakness, fear, worry. I don't doubt that she occasionally cried and felt overwhelmed and sad and frustrated. She didn't let those feelings dictate her life though. They came and went and she just smiled.

When we think of Sara, we think of strength, courage, resilience, peace, serenity and acceptance. She was the greatest warrior I have ever known.

When I think about my illness in terms of who I want to be, I always think of Sara. The grace with which Sara faced her suffering inspired me to give a little more, to try a little harder with my own struggles. She was a blessing to every person she met. She lived her life to the fullest. She left prints of herself on our hearts. That is the kind of person I want to be. I want to leave just such a legacy in my wake as well.

It isn't going to be easy but I can handle this illness. I can.
I can not only handle this, I can find the treasures hidden inside this experience. I can use this illness to touch people, to discover new things about myself. I will have bad days, days when I'm just sure I can't go on like this, but those feelings will pass. They always do. I am determined to continually come back to the place where I feel purpose sprinkled all over my path. I might get knocked down but I will get back up.

This illness may be able to take many things from me, but I am determined not to let it take my smile.