But How Are You, Really?

If you ask me how I'm doing you are likely to hear me say, "I'm okay."

But...how I'm really doing is so much more complicated than a quick reply to a passing question.

I'm in a rough patch. It's been going on since school started at the beginning of September. Even though Mr. Amazing does the entire morning routine while I sleep, somehow I'm at least as exhausted as he is, possibly more. Whether or not I'm in charge of getting the clones off to school in the morning or not, school season brings with it a lot more activity. Our days are fuller. Or their days are fuller.

And somehow it's affecting me, regardless of how involved I am in the busy.

I can't get back to my base level of sick.

Maybe it's all the car rides and the fact that the clones actually need clean clothes so the laundry has to be done. Maybe it's the way we end up juggling dinners around soccer schedules. Maybe it's all the blood draws and doctor appointments. Maybe it's my unwillingness to miss things.

I'm not sure.

On the one hand, I feel like I've been staring at the walls a lot while Mr. Amazing does everything. On the other hand, I feel like I've been doing too much.

I guess it doesn't really matter what is causing this long string of really bad days. The fact is that I'm sicker than usual and I can't seem to rest enough to get back on top, or back to the general base level of sick that I'm used to and pretty good at working around. Instead I'm stuck in "really messed up" zone where everything is hard. Even walking feels like a chore, as if I am wading through knee deep mud.

I'm reluctant to call this a flare. I've never been convinced that I have flares. I feel sick pretty much all the time. Sometimes it's less. Sometimes it's more. But what really constitutes a flare? I don't know. I can tell you that I don't even remember what normal feels like. Sick is the new normal. It doesn't go away.

A good day is a day when my pain and symptom levels are around a 3, which is to say I can partially ignore how I feel and mostly manage to act like a normal person. These past couple of months I seem to be stuck at a 6 at best, a 10 at worst. There is no amount of distraction that can mask these kinds of levels. And I'm a little bit afraid that sicker is becoming the new sick, which is further away from the normal I can't remember.

And that is upsetting.

I'm mostly stuck in this house too messed up to look at things so I'm not working with my hands right now. Reading and writing compounds the motion sick feeling (or whatever this feeling is) so it takes me days to write a blog post. Having surrendered my right to drive a couple years ago means I'm housebound for the most part and that makes me isolated. But I barely have the energy to maintain a conversation with people right now anyway, even though I'm desperate for contact. And going out leaves me feeling that much worse the next day.

I don't have the energy to eat right now (and being so nauseous doesn't help my appetite) so every meal I manage to eat is a force-feeding.

I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm frustrated. I'm overwhelmed.

I'm sick of being sick.

I am, in all honesty, Not Okay.

But I don't like to admit it.