Morton's Fork

Why is it that whenever a doctor tells me I don't have something, they act like I should throw confetti in the air and do a jig?

I mean, it's great that I don't have MS. I know this. Because let's face it, MS sucks. Bad. I know that the MS specialist knows this. I know that my neurologist knows this. I know that anyone who has MS knows this and so does anyone who loves someone who has MS and even anyone who has ever taken the time to look into MS and its disease progression.

But can we just back up and look at the facts for a second?

• I'm sick
• I have symptoms that impact my life in negative ways

None of that goes away just because the specialist spent the better part of a year trying to either diagnose me with something or rule it out and in the end was able to rule it out. And again, I'm glad we were able to rule it out, all of the things we've ruled out. I didn't want to have any of the countless things that have been looked for.
I also don't want to be sick.

But I am, though.
But I am.

Not having ____ doesn't mean I'm not ill. It doesn't mean I can share the specialists joy at not having to tell another person that they have a progressive life-sucking disease. It doesn't mean I can go home and say, "Phew, at least all that is over! Now I can just get on with my life."

I am still sick. I still have to keep looking. I still have to keep wondering. I still have to fight to be heard and I still have to have days when I can't move or function or think or be a mom or a wife or a person.

I don't have ___. But I'm still sick.

And I will not be throwing confetti in the air. I will not be walking out of any doctor's office with a broad grin just because they are proud that they can't help me. I'm glad I don't have this, that or the other, but I DO have something and it's not a thing worth celebrating, even though I just might throw confetti and shed some mixed-feeling tears whenever this thing gets a name.

In the meantime, I would appreciate it if every doctor everywhere would just take a minute to figure out that not being diagnosed is just as devastating as being diagnosed.

It's like Morton's Fork. Okay?