Dear Reader

 

Dear Reader,

Are you out there? 

This month in my writing group our theme is "Trust" and I have so much to say on this theme. First off though, I wanted to address you because I have failed you by disappearing, again.

I remember when I first got sick and I was desperately searching for answers and connections and really just anyone or anything that could relate, blogs were such a safe haven for me. Every once in a while I would find one that sounded like me and I would devour it, post by post, hoping for answers for myself. There was one I will never forget. The writer described almost exactly the same symptoms and progressions as me. It was incredible. But then the posts just stopped. The writer never said if they got a diagnosis. They never said if they got resolution. They never said if they got sicker or more well. I was left just hanging there wondering, which was all too similar to the same experience I was having with my body. It was so...disappointing and discouraging.

I don't know whether or not anyone engaged in a similar search for answers or connection ever found this little blog of mine, but if such a reader is out there, please know, I am So Sorry for abandoning this project so often and for so long. I never intended to do the same thing. In fact, I had made a commitment to myself NOT to do that.

But, you know, life. 

And brain fog. 

And writers block.

And not wanting to say the same thing over and over and over.

And of course, it gets tiring talking about this all the time. It starts to feel like that's all you are. That it is all people can expect from you. Oh, you know Laci. She's the sick one who writes about being sick. I'd like to think I am more than sick and that I write about more than being sick. 

Sometimes I am. Sometimes I am not.

I'm here again now, dear reader. I've broken your trust. I know that. And you aren't going to just start trusting me again now, after more than year. And you shouldn't. Honestly, I'm not sure I can trust myself to even be an active member in this writing community I just joined. In the two weeks since I've signed up, I've decided to quit more than a dozen times. I've berated myself for joining in the first place and then for not instantly starting a daily writing practice. This is, of course, unfair and irrational. I know that. So I'm still enrolled and now I'm showing up and I'm trying. But my point is, you're right. You can't trust that I will keep showing up here. And I can't promise you that I will either. But I can promise you, I'm going to give this another shot. And I can promise you that I am not only going to write about being sick. I promise I will update you on how I'm doing now. And I can practically guarantee that I won't be here consistently.

I hope you haven't been too lonely and lost in my absence. I hope that you've found answers and comforting places to connect with others. I hope that you'll come back and read here again.

In hope,

Laci