When You Know, You Know

I am staring at a pile of fabric scraps, some of which are already embellished with hand stitching. These scraps are destined to become products for my shop. I know exactly what they will be in the end but I do not know exactly what the end product will look like yet. There are decisions to be made about color combinations and where and how to stitch, among other things. And I am currently plagued by indecision.

I actually have already completed one. I finished it about a month ago when I couldn’t get this product idea out of my head. All my dreams were about this product. Many of my waking thoughts were about this product. I was a little obsessed. And it turned out beautifully, more beautiful than I had anticipated.

While I worked on it, I was in flow and when it was finished, I was proud. 

It was one of those rare moments when I’ve made something and haven’t cared to get someone else’s opinion on it. I felt excited to share it and tell people about it not because I wanted approval, but because I was (and am still) so proud of what I made.

I immediately jumped into making another one, but it just wasn’t flowing like the first one and doubts started creeping in.

***

For about six months now, I’ve been working pretty diligently on learning to love myself better, to silence my brutal inner critic, and to reconnect with myself. I’ve discovered that the inner critic can’t actually be silenced, and anyway, I wouldn’t want her to be. The fact is, she plays an essential role in the editing process of all of my creative pursuits. In this way, I need her. But when she crosses from the editor into a bully, that’s when we have a problem. Fortunately, I also discovered that she does respond to boundaries when made to, so I’ve been trying to learn where to place the boundaries and how to enforce them.

It is making a difference, but like all lasting change, it is taking lots of time and practice. And I make a lot of mistakes.

My inner critic has won this round, against the fabric scrap pile. I haven’t touched my second work in progress in weeks and I’m still not sure how to move forward with it, nor any of the others.

I glance down at my art journal. Every day after morning practice, I leave it sitting open on the current page, near wherever I am working. I’ve been using this art journal as a place to practice imperfection without judgment. Every page is something I’m proud of, not because the art pages are so beautiful that they should be displayed somewhere, (they're not and shouldn't) but because each page has my raw heart and love poured into it. Each page has little uplifting messages written in. Each page is an example of what it looks like to believe in myself and trust my creative impulses, while also refraining from judging what I've done, even when it didn't work out the way I wanted.

In one of my first entries, I wrote a “daily wisdom” that reads, 

During this time of transition, I feel the shifts of a new beginning. I’m working diligently on caring for myself, finding balance to keep myself as healthy as I can control. Maybe it’s wishful thinking, but I feel like I’m on the edge of something. Maybe I can begin to live into myself. I want that. I want to feel unconcerned with what I’m perceived as and rather be fully immersed in the joy of creating what is speaking to me. It’s scary. And I can do hard things. It is time to find the answers I seek within…

This is everything I want.

I flip through a couple of pages now, taking in some of what I previously created, and suddenly, I am struck with an idea for my scrap fabric project. The idea feels smart, unique, and interesting. I love it. But then I feel a little twinge and hear my inner critic. “Maybe no one will want this.”

In my minds’ eye, I turn to her and see her small frame.

“You’re scared, aren’t you?” I ask.

She nods like a child. I feel tears at the corners of my eyes. I imagine wrapping her in a hug.

“You know, it’s okay if no one wants these when they’re done,” I whisper to her.

She isn’t so sure.

And honestly, I’m not entirely convinced either. 

Not yet.

In the past, other people’s enthusiasm (or lack thereof) has been the measuring stick I’ve used to judge my own work. It seemed like it made sense. If I’m making things to sell or writing words to be read by others, then what others think of my work must be important, right?

But I can’t get away from the fact that trying to make what people want is killing my creativity. And if I’m brave enough to be fully honest with myself, it is also slowly killing me. I wasn’t put here to try to shapeshift everything I do into something palatable for the masses. I’ve never once been happy making (or writing) into someone else’s dream. So I’m trying very hard to change the measuring stick I’m using to judge my work. I’m trying very hard to lean into what I want to make (and write) and trust that it is all going to be okay. That there is room for me and my creative work in this world.

And there is room for me. I have evidence. When I started making dolls, there was one that I made that I felt a kind of knowing about. I finished the doll and felt that same sense of pride I described earlier. A feeling like I created something special and unique and needed. I never reached out for anyone else’s opinions in order to know that it was a special product. I just knew.

I think this is what confidence looks and feels like. Not needing anyone else's input to feel secure. And I think that all this practicing I’m doing toward being kinder to myself and showing up for me is going to lead me toward a consistent and dependable internal confidence. One that I can apply to all areas of my life, not just my creativity.

That’s the hope anyway.

I'm not fully there yet, but I'm practicing every day.

This post was inspired by a monthly theme from illuminate, a writing community from the creators of The Kindred Voice. 

Read more on this month's theme, Confidence, written by other illuminate members:

Masculine Displays Of Confidence by Adeola Sheehy-Adekale

Confidence Lately by Tracy Erler

Want Confidence? It’s All About YOUR Intuition by Christi Jeane