HeartStrung

November and November memories. That is what the harvest brings. For me this means thoughts of Kansas, of cousins, of candy corns and love. When I was growing up we went to Kansas for the harvest. My grandparents were farmers. They grew wheat. They had cows and chickens. And a big family. We would gather on the farm every November, children spilling from every room. The men would sit in the living room talking politics with their deep voices. The women populated the kitchen and dining room, preparing all of the food. The children ran from one room to another chasing each other or hiding from each other, out through the plant-filled sun room, through the sliding back door into the yard and around the house only to come running back in through the front door. Sometimes a few of us would go for long walks around the property. We climbed on hay bales and fed stray cats and hunted for animal bones in the trees that lined the edges of the street. We'd touch the electr...

I’m sitting on her bed, leaned back against a pillow with my legs tucked up near me. She is telling me about friendship and my heart is breaking open. Words tumble from her mouth in a flood of breath and I think,  I don’t know how to help. Memories of my youth fill my head along with my sisters’ voice. Just this summer, when she visited, she sat on my couch and talked about growing up without friends. I saw. Being only a year younger, I remember…yet somehow the depth, the severity, escaped me then. I was so busy following people around, pretending that I was more outgoing, more comfortable, more of everything I wasn’t, to notice how deep my sisters’ pain was. My mom must have cried a lot , I think now. There I was, a world of trouble and anger and rebellion, so self-absorbed and trying to find my own way. And there was my sister, brilliant and kind, but a type of lonely that few understand. The world can be so cruel. My daughter is beautiful. She excels in her classes. She...

This has been a big year for me so far, but I've failed to keep up my blog, so let's catch up, shall we? Most of you probably already know that I started a business in January, selling my hand made goods. It's growing slowly, and I'm okay with that. It has given me at least a small sense of purpose which is so helpful for my mental health. Many of you also already know that I had an article published in a magazine. Being published has been a long time dream of mine and it felt incredible to have the opportunity.              (My article was published in the April issue of Holl & Lane magazine.) Now for the stuff most of you don't know: I had decided to take some time off from going to doctor's offices at the beginning of this year. But during the last days of December, a rather large, ominous looking mass was discovered and all the doctor-y people got up in a tizzy and had me running around to a bunch of different locations, getting ult...

I wrote this piece last year but wasn't brave enough to publish it at the time.  As nervous as it makes me, it feels important to me that I publish this piece now with this reminder: You Are Not Alone It will pass. I promise. Keep Going. And please, if you are feeling suicidal, tell someone. Reach out for help. You are Important. You matter. Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 suicidepreventionlifeline.org I want so badly to write about depression right now because that's where I'm at but it's hard. It's hard to admit that I'm depressed. It's hard to explain why  I'm depressed and everyone always wants to know why. It's hard to trust that people will listen or that they won't try to fix  me or fix  the situation or correct all of my "wrong" thoughts, or tell me to "just be positive." It's hard to be vulnerable like this when I'm already at my most vulnerable... But here we are. I want ...

Why is it that whenever a doctor tells me I don't have something, they act like I should throw confetti in the air and do a jig? I mean, it's  great  that I don't have MS. I know this. Because let's face it, MS sucks. Bad. I know that the MS specialist knows this. I know that my neurologist knows this. I know that anyone who has MS knows this and so does anyone who loves someone who has MS and even anyone who has ever taken the time to look into MS and its disease progression. But can we just back up and look at the facts for a second? I'm sick I have symptoms that impact my life in negative ways None of that goes away just because the specialist spent the better part of a year trying to either diagnose me with something or rule it out and in the end was able to rule it out. And again, I'm glad  we were able to rule it out, all of the things we've ruled out. I didn't want to have any of the countless things that have been looked for. I a...