Champion Supporter

Clone 2 read Conversation with Myself the other day and asked, "do you really hear and talk to yourself like that, Mom?"

Yes. I really do. I have two sided conversations with myself as if I'm actually talking to someone else. I don't know what the conversations other people have with themselves in their own heads sound like. This is just the way I do it. I've always done it this way, though I will admit the dialog has changed in recent years.

It used to sound very much like there was a bully in my head.

But that is changing. I've been trying to learn to be my own best friend. Part of my reason for this is because right now, I'm really the only person who can provide for myself exactly what I need. Other people try but for the most part I can't be satisfied.

For example: I don't want people to ask me how I'm doing because I don't want to complain, I don't want to freak out the healthy people, I don't want to bore the healthy people. But I also don't want to lie or divert away from the question. At the same time, not being asked by others how I am doing leaves me feeling so terribly alone and like no one really cares.

I realize that these two positions are diametrically opposed. That it is unfair for me to have both of these feelings at the same time. That they are contradictory. And that no one can safely navigate around them. Except Me.

So I have more and more conversations with myself:
How are you doing?
What do you need?

And whatever I come up with, I try to provide for myself. I give myself hugs which includes visualizing the actual hug. I imagine myself stroking my hair and comforting myself in other ways too. I tell myself that I'm strong, that I'm a warrior, that I'm doing amazingly well considering the cards I've been dealt. I remind myself that other people are busy but that doesn't mean they don't care and that they are not inside my body with me so it's hard for them to understand. I tell myself whatever it is I need to hear.

I don't mind being my own best friend. I think I'm a pretty good friend to other people, usually. (I do make mistakes and let people down sometimes!) In the past, I've not done as well at being a good friend to myself. I used to be really hard on myself and one of my own biggest critics.

But all that is changing. Now I just want to comfort myself. To tell myself the things I need to hear that I'm not hearing elsewhere. I'm setting down the critic who used to beat me up from the inside. There are plenty of people in the world who are ready and willing to be my biggest critics and tell me all the ways I'm doing everything wrong. I don't need to be that person for myself. What I really need is to be for myself what I am for other people. A listener. A confidant. A non-judgmental supporter.

And I have to say, it's pretty nice having me on my side. I don't know what took me so long to embrace this...

Of course, it is a slow process. It is taking time and practice. I still catch myself being too critical of me and bullying myself. But that's the cool thing: I catch myself. That never used to happen. It would just go on and on, unchecked. Now when I catch myself I stop and apologize to myself and change the statements.

It is slow going. But as the Dali Lama says, "genuine change doesn't happen overnight."

And I've got all the time in the world for this. Because I am totally worth it.