Just For Today...

I'm tired.
I can't do this anymore.
If I never felt this way again, it would be too soon.

This illness has changed my entire life. Every relationship I have or had, the things I can do and how I do them, my conversations, my accessiblity, my relatability. Nothing has been left untouched. I feel like I've given up so many things I love.

Just for today I wish I had something identifiable. Something surgical. Something treatable. I'd even take something terminal. At least there would be an end to it.

No one understands. No one can relate. I've never felt so alone, so unsupported, so much like an island.

Most days, I can handle this. I can deal. I can find a smile, a joke, a lightheartedness. I can find somewhere positive to focus. I can distract myself with making something. Knit. Crochet. Sew. Write. I can find something beautiful to look at, to take a photo of. I can call a friend and let their joy be my own joy.

But not today.

Today I have nothing positive to say. No positive thoughts. No fancy spins to help myself see the light.

Today I would give anything not to feel this anymore. Not to exist.

I can be positive tomorrow.
I will be.
I promise.

This is just for today.