Dead-heat

It is incredibly frustrating to have symptoms that have to be described but never can be seen. You might think that it would be easy for me since I'm a writer. That I would welcome the opportunity. But the symptoms I experience are just about the most impossible things to describe.

I once tried to describe my dizziness to a doctor by saying that I felt like 2 minutes ago I had played dizzy-bat. So not the immediate dizzy feeling but the leftover one.

She just stared at me. She had no idea what I was talking about.

Initially, I suspected that Dr. Carry was an alien.

I also suspected that she wasn't really a doctor because after listening to me she googled my symptoms on her little pink phone. Yes, you read that right. She googled my symptoms in front of me and then prescribed an antibiotic for an ear infection I didn't have.

I never went back to her again.

I also never described my dizziness like that again. Apparently dizzy-bat is not a universally played childhood game.

I've tried a bunch of different descriptions since then in an effort to be understood:
I feel like a balloon tied to a mailbox on a windy day.
I feel like I'm falling.
I feel like those people on V8 commercials from the 90's.
I feel like someone slipped roofies into my drink.
I feel like I'm drunk. Well, not drunk exactly, but not sober.
I feel like I'm standing on a suspension bridge during a stampede.

These descriptions do not seem to resonate any better with the doctoring community. Most of them look at me like I am crazy and I suspect they are making notes in my chart about anxiety.

If I'm honest, I don't really like any of these descriptions either and I agree that I might sound a little crazy. I've never actually had roofies slipped into my drink. I've also never been a balloon tied on a mailbox. I'm betting the doctors haven't either.

I have spent countless hours trying to relate the symptoms to things I've experienced but it is a wholly unique feeling and therefore, impossible to describe accurately.

So I end up wishing the symptoms were visible.

But then midway through last year I developed some visible symptoms. I have what is called "myoclonus" which basically means that parts of my body randomly jerk or twitch. The twitching ranges from mild and undetectable to violent and unmistakable. It happens when I relax my muscles which is a little bit of a shame because I figure if I am going to twitch I ought to at least be able to laugh over the funny things that happen because of it. Like just once, I wish it would happen while I'm eating something like cereal or soup. I could send the contents of my spoon flying across the table. That sounds like it would make me laugh. At least, the first time...

I also sometimes have some weird episodes while walking. I'll be walking along mostly normally and then I lift my foot to take a step and all of a sudden there is an electric feeling coursing through my body and my muscles seem confused. It's like I forgot how to walk, how to move. I'm standing there trying to take a step, thinking so hard about the motion, willing my foot to move forward and bare the weight so my other leg can move forward and I can get where I'm going but instead my leg shakes and only slowly and uncomfortably moves to where I am willing it to go.

I'm pretty sure when this happens I look like a drunk chameleon.

And it is extremely embarrassing.

I'm sitting on the bleachers just trying to watch Clone 1 serve the volleyball and my shoulder goes jerking back toward the knee behind me. Or I'm walking across the field to watch Clone 2 play soccer and half way there I'm grasping Mr. Amazing's arm for support while my voluntary functions go haywire.

I try not to look around. I don't want to know who is staring at me, who saw that. I try to act like nothing happened. But I feel my cheeks flush a little. And I'm pretty sure everyone is staring at me.

And then I wish I was invisible.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, the Pro/Con list stops at a dead-heat.

                                  Pro                                                              Con                       

Invisible Symptoms:    No one can see it                                         No one can see it

Visible Symptoms:      Everyone can see it                                      Everyone can see it